Out there

Things got real the other night.

I was out at a bar downtown and I'd had a couple of glasses of wine ( I was not driving) when I ran into a girlfriend I hadn't seen in a while.

We were chit chatting and she asked if I was dating anyone.

I gave my stock answer of  "No, I'm really bad at dating."

Which is half true.  No, I don't get asked out on dates. No, I don't really make the first move ever.

But she persisted, 'Do you put yourself out there?'

No, I admitted.  I've always been an observer, making smart ass comments on the sidelines. When I'm interested in someone I make little to no effort to start something.

Aside from making my girlfriends listen to me talk about the said person of interest. Can I be bad at something I don't really try?

Why don't you? my perceptive friend asked.

I thought for a bit before I answered her.  I thought about failed flirtations, awkward non-dates and my lackluster love life.

I'm so type A in other parts of my life, why do I let this aspect fester in failure?

I finally admitted that I never think guys are interested in me because of my weight.  Just like my sarcasm is a barrier to keep people from getting to close, my extra weight is a barrier in my head to being attractive to other people. At least in my head.

I never feel like it's a reasonable expectation for someone to be interested in me, let alone someone that I'm interested in. It's a non-issue to me.

It's just another thing I've let putting weight on take from my life.  I became complacent in my self-cast role as chubby smart ass friend. 

I've watched my friends fall in love, get married, have babies and all I've done is perfect my role and have the wisecrack ready when there's a lull in conversation.

I've been taking a lot of time in my own head since I 'started over', which I think is key to making the change better and lasting this time around.

I've got to make changes in more than just my diet and fitness, I've got to stop being on the sidelines of my life.

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start. I'm waiting to be thin and then everything will begin.

Losing weight won't be a magic cure-all to my insecurities, my fear of rejection, my hatred of change.

I've got to force my self to take risks, take chances, play a leading role in my life.

As my wise friend said, You only live once.

Don't bar conversations lead to the best life realizations?