Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica,

      You don't know me, but we're very similar.  Buxom blondes who were once thinnner..  but now we're... let's say curvier.  It's a hard transition and I've had a hard time realizing it myself, but I had my epiphany and now own my curves. 

      Sweetie, I think it's time for you to do the same.  Yes, we all remember your tanned, lithe body from the Dukes of Hazzard movie... that video where you washed cars in a bikini... but that was years ago.  You were married to Nick and confused over chicken and tuna.  Now, we're adults.  You're almost 30, engaged to an adorable football player... and still dressing like you're built like Daisy Duke.  You're not.

     I gave you the benefit of the doubt when I saw you on the Project Runway finale in a strange shiny dress that was tight in the wrong places and like a tent in others.  I rolled my eyes when you claimed you'd wear a striped column dress to a party, the same party Heidi Klum said she'd wear the dress.  Dear, trust me- NO.

      Now a month later you're on Jimmy Fallon in a skintight black wrap dress that emphasized your cleavage yes... and also your expanded waist.  A close look showed me that you and I carry our weight in the same places.. the belly and boobs... and I've known for years that a wrap dress just exacerbates the flaws in my figure.  It's time for you to learn this lesson. 

      Look at your self in a mirror... find your strengths and weaknesses and flaunt those... not what used to be your strengths. 

For example this is not a good look:
Bad Project Runway Dress -see how it makes you look like a column?  Look for clothes to make it look like you have a waist.

The Pants we all talked about- this pic is a few years old... but these pants prove my point perfectly.  Thin, or curvy highwaisted pants are a NO for anyone.  Especially with a too tight tank top and a tacky belt. 

These are good looks:
Good Look 1 - All one color is slimming... but the layers are loose enough to give you the illusion of a waist without being too small.

Good Look 2 - cute dress, fun pattern, slim enough to show your figure... with a belt to create a waist.  This is a good look.

So Jess... stop either hiding in oversized clothes or looking uncomfortable in too small clothes.  I know it's hard to move on... but you don't look bad, you look healthy... you're still a gorgeous, young woman.

Hell chica, you and I still have it and we should flaunt it... not hide behind some extra padding.

Love always,

(The sexy Fat Ass)

1 comment:

  1. Amen sister. It's so hard recognizing when your body has changed, and it isn't what it used to be. Each of my kids changed me. And now...40...another change. I feel like I'm constantly buying a new wardrobe and figuring out what looks good on my new body.