I've started and stopped and deleted this post about a million times. Well, really 4 times but I like to exaggerate.
It's been hard to put into words the random insecurities going through my head. But I've had conversations with 4 of my nearest and dearest recently... including Mems and the beloved bestie behind "My Kid is a Jerk" so I may as well vent it out here... and see if anyone else is dealing with the same crap in their head.
I got whiny and maudlin about my weight, for as loud and sassy and empowered as I like to pretend to be, I was that girl. Insecure in my body, my clothes, my company... unhappy in myself for a ridiculous reason. I've become convinced that the sum of my parts is basically tits, teeth and hair.
I picked and pulled at my outfit and complained about not being cute and tiny enough. When Mems asked me why I thought anyone cute and tiny would be more appealing than me I looked at her like she grew a second head. I couldn't believe she had to ask, I finally responded common sense. Who wouldn't prefer a cute, tiny blonde girl? I'm the chubby sarcastic sidekick in the lifetime TV movie about me.
I haven't been in a relationship since I was thin. Even then I wasn't happy, I was constanly worried he'd find someone cuter and thinner and leave me in the dust ( the opposite was true). I assumed when I lost the weight this time those insecurities would have magically disappeared. Ha!
Now I'm happier with myself, funnier, brasher and in most ways more sure of myself. So why can't I shake this feeling that I'm not a desireable person? Was it a combination of vodka, birthdays and hormones or do I really need the therapy Mems suggested?
Why the hell am I convinced being thin will make me happier? Why am I asking myself questions like a fat Carrie Bradshaw?
God I'm sick of hormones.
My wife had some of those issues. She's a cute blonde like you, and her weight fluctuated. Her "tits, teeth and hair" were all very wonderful assets. But she came up with breast cancer at age 42, had a double mastectomy, breast reconstruction and is in the middle of chemotherapy, which caused her to lose her hair and actually GAIN weight. It puts things into perspective. I have no idea what you currently look like, but judging by the two little photos you have on this blog, you appear cute and spunky and have no reason to feel undesirable.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say 'desirable', are you talking about sexual desire or are you talking about overall desire? Overall desire would include sexuality, but would also include character, humor, activities, attention, interests, mindset, outlook and visual attraction (among others).
ReplyDeleteOkay, I don't think men should be allowed to respond to posts like this. They should be blocked. Boys just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteI get it. And I'll tell you. I've been overweight for forever (Or obese by the BMI scale, although a 12-16 size pant size isn't usually considered obese by social standards. Okay, okay I was a size 18 once too.) Anyway, I"ve been overweight forever, but in the brief periods I have been a healthier weight (never made it to the BMI "healthy" weight catagory, although I did make it to size 8 pants!) I got HUGE amounts of attention from men AND women right and left. Women found me more credible- my exercise and health advice, dating advice whatever was automatically more believable and they wanted to know what I wanted to say. Men went from ignoring me, or being friends to asking me out right and left. All because I dropped a few pounds. Frankly, it pissed me off. Why couldn't anyone pay any attention to me when I had a fat ass? It wasn't fair. And yet, statistically, my connections soared as my weight dropped and I couldn't help but feel better about myself as the numbers on the scale decreased and I got so much validation from the people around me. It pissed me off, but I lied it too.
It's very frustrating.
*Liked* it, not lied it. :) lol
ReplyDeleteExactly!
ReplyDeleteI get pissed at myself for appreciating the attention and positivity... but hate myself for finding such validation in other's opinions of me.-- Kate
Now its very easy to contact with doctor .
ReplyDelete