Monday, June 16, 2014

Digging deep

I've been doing a weekly blog challenge on another site for a few months, using it as a tool to kind of dig into the dysfunction in my head.

Some weeks it's helpful, some weeks it leaves me a mess. I figure those are the weeks it's really working.

This is what came out of this week's challenge:

I remember I was pretending to sleep in my Mems' bed. My uncle was staying over and in my room. His EMT training something we needed in the house.

I was late. I don't remember what time.

I heard him yell, "David." His voice weaker than I ever remember, and panicked.

It took a few minutes for everyone to start moving. My uncle down the hall, Mems to his bedroom, me to the bathroom.

Phone calls were made, 911, to my mother, to my aunts.

The ambulance arrived. They talked about his DNR with Mems and asked if she wanted to take him to the ER to die or stay here to die. They said it nicer, but this was the gist of it.

They went to the ER.

I stayed home. In the bathroom sitting in the floor. I didn't want to see, they didn't want me to see.

My mother stayed with me, repeating that they'd make him better at the hospital.

I knew they wouldn't.

I found Remington Steele in re-runs on TV in my Mems' room and climbed in bed and half watched.

The phone rang not long after they left. My mother answered and started crying. She didn't have to say anything to me.

I rolled over and pretended to sleep. Tears soaked my pillow.

Father's Day is tough for me. Some years. Some years it's fine. The same goes for his birthday and holidays and the day he died.

Sometimes they're just ordinary days in my life. Sometimes I sob myself to sleep after looking into his eyes frozen in a picture too long.

It's been 13 years. And no time at all. We knew it was going to happen and it still hit the family like a sledge hammer, we're still splintered, broken wood.

One day I'll have been alive without a father than I was with one. One day I'll get married and walk myself down the aisle. One day I'll think about him and not
break down.

One day Father's Day won't be like opening a barrel of emotions and thoughts jumbled in my head.

At least I think so.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Doing the detox

So, I did a detox. 

The Dr. Oz 3 day detox to be exact. I spotted it on Pinterest one night and on a whim decided to do it. 

So, I went to Sprouts and stocked up on everything I needed and made sure to eat one last delicious meal before I was off food for three days. 

Breakfast was a cup of green tea with lemon and stevia and the breakfast drink.
 Breakfast drink was my favorite. It had a nice flavor and was easy to make, not a ton of chopping.

The smoothies are also pretty huge so it was hard to be hungry. I got a smoothie for every meal and could repeat one of the drinks as an afternoon snack.

I never repeated the lunch smoothie. It was not my favorite, but it was tolerable.

The green lunch monster before it was blended.

And after it was blended. 

It had cucumber, kale and coconut in it, which are not my favorite things. But I made it every day and chugged it down. The flavor was okay, I wish it was a little sweeter. But I get that I was off sugar.

Dinner drink, being shot by Jack Bauer.
 Dinner drink was also ok. My mango wasn't super ripe, but the blueberry/coconut water combo was nice. It was easy to stomach, except for the kick of cayenne pepper.

Bath time!
The detox also called for a nightly 30 minute detox bath, that's 2.5 cups of epsom salt and 10 drops of lavender oil. It's apparently good to soothe muscles and ease bloating?

It was nice to have an excuse to soak in a bath and read the new Carole Radziwill book every night. I do love lavender so that was also nice.

Final verdict it was easier than I thought and I noticed some changes. I slept better than I've slept in months. I'm assuming that's the lack of caffeine. I did feel clearer in the head, but I also got really punch drunk at times between drinks.

A friend at work told me to stop talking because he wasn't sure what I was going to say if I kept talking.

I didn't workout during the detox since I wasn't eating a lot of protein and I thought it could make hunger more of an issue.

According to the scale I lost 5 pounds, I think that was probably water weight. I am staying off sugar and caffeine post detox.

According to Mems my stomach looks flatter. So we'll see if it keeps up.

Monday, April 28, 2014

So, I ran a half-marathon (more or less)

I feel like a fraud when I sign up for runs.

I'll train and be excited for whatever 5k or in this case half marathon I've decided to do and then race day I'll show up and look around at the 'real' runners and feel like I shouldn't be there.

I haven't trained enough, I'm not thin enough, they can tell this isn't my thing.

But I keep doing it. Kept, I should say.

I ran my last run on Sunday. It took me three tries to go through with it, but I finally ran the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon.  Well half-marathon.

I started training for it last year and half way through jacked my knee and could barely walk for 3 months, let alone run. So I deferred my registration to this year and started training in October.

Several years ago I registered and never trained or showed up for the run.

This was my year.

About a week before the run the tornado predictions began. Being a native Oklahoman I was not surprised or scared. The same could not be said for my Mems who watched the Weather Channel obsessively and daily urged me not to go and to skip the run.

Nevertheless I went and the morning of the race sat in the rain crying at the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial. I've never gone to the memorial and not cried.

It's something in my blood, being in that place, seeing the reflecting pool and the chairs to honor the victims. Sometimes it's hard to breathe if I look around.

While I struggled to deal with my emotions and prepare for the mental and physical challenge head of me the race was delayed. Four times.

I finally took off more than two hours later. Tired, hungry and wet from rain. But I kept going.

I looked at all of the 'real' runners around me and felt their (imagined) judgment at my funny t-shirt and my Red Sox cap with my neon running shoes.

Every time I took a walk break, which happened more often as the cold, rainy weather became hot and muggy, I felt like they were shaking their heads at me, 'Why is that chubby girl trying to run?'

Then when I realized I was less than halfway done and my foot was numb and all my training seemed to be for nothing I saw a firefighter in full gear walking the marathon.

I started crying, for a million reasons. Exhaustion, thoughts of my Pops a former firefighter, thoughts of the firefighters pulling victims and survivors from the rubble of the Murrah building.

Then, I kept going. Every time I'd start to feel like quitting again I'd come across another firefighter, from another city, walking the course in full gear and I'd cry a little, suck it up and start again.

As I started the last mile I was almost openly sobbing as I went. Not for my hip that was in agony, but because I'd finally almost done the run I'd felt a need to do ever since it started.

I'd finally done this run to recognize all the victims I'd watched on the news as a child. The families I'd see come together every year to remember their loved ones.

The people I wrote stories about when I got into news. The people etched in my heart since that day in 1995 when I heard about the news from my teacher in school.

I realized as I finished the 13.1 miles that I may not have felt like a true runner when I started that race, but by the time I finished I knew I remembered I was a true Oklahoman.


Sunday, February 2, 2014

Stomach bug reset

I got taken down by a stomach bug last week.

I went 4 days without eating and now that I'm finally back on solid foods, I decided to use this as a re-start for my stomach.

Not introducing sugary, fried foods back to my wobbly stomach and sticking to healthy options to keep things on the up and up.

We'll see how it goes.  I'd really like to avoid ever vomiting again.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

I'm starving

I've been half assed sticking to my Weight Watchers points, and I lost a pound.

It's been hard. I'm on week 4 of training for a half marathon and the more I run the harder it is to stay in my points.

My body is craving carbs.  I wasn't that prepared for it this week, but I went grocery shopping and got a lot of veggies and high protein options to help me feel more full after a workout.

We'll see how it goes.

As Mems said: What's the point of running so much if you start eating more?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014


It's a new year and a lot of people are starting resolutions.

To be healthier, to be more active, to lose weight, the standard ones.

I'm not really doing resolutions this year, I kind of did them already- Starting Over.

Aside from some indulgence over the holidays I try to always be healthy, I'm training for a half marathon, and I'm getting better at making healthier decisions.

One thing I do I want to resolve to be better at- posting.

Checking in once a week will help me stay on track and make those healthier decisions.  So I guess that's my resolution.

Every day on my weigh in day I will post a blog about that week's journey.

After my staycation in October I also decided to try to do one thing I've never done every week or go out and do anything once a week.

I tend to be a home body, happy in bed with a book and my dogs, instead of out in society.  So this rule keeps me from being a basic recluse.

And that's all!

What are your resolutions?

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Digital Detox lessons

So, I was off social media for 10 days while I was on staycation earlier this week. 

I learned a lot of about myself by skipping FB, Instagram and Twitter. 

I'm inherently a homebody, nothing is better to me than curling up with a good book and my dogs and spending the evening on my own.  Sometimes I let social media intimidate me into thinking I should be going out more, or that I'm being left out of things.

I'd never realized that I'd get a guilty or depressed feeling from scrolling through social media instead of focusing on whatever I'd decided to do at home or how I'm spending my time. Taking a step back helped me appreciate my choices and my hobbies.

Also, scrolling the interwebs on my phone keeps me from snacking.  I'm obsessively a multi-tasker and checking tweets turns out to keep me from wanting to snack.  I gained half a pound during my digital detox.

And, I spent a lot of time in my head.  Reminding myself that I like me and I like spending time alone. Well as alone as I can be with the dogs.  And Mems.

These lessons carried over into a recent trip I took for work.  I was traveling alone and was forced to spend time with myself, in my head.  I think it was beneficial.

How comfortable do you feel alone?