The other day a friend of a friend gave me a compliment and I excitedly shared it with Mems.
She looked at me like I was insane. "Why are you so excited someone told you you were pretty? I tell you all the time." I rolled my eyes and explained that since she is my Mems she was required to tell me I was pretty. Mems then said, "I am not. If I didn't think you were pretty I just wouldn't say anything at all." That's my Mems.
Later though, she went deep. Asked me why I didn't think I was pretty. When I rolled my eyes and told her I was too fat then she tapped into her Lifetime Movie Network skills. Explaining to me that just because I put on weight I wasn't still beautiful and she hoped when I lost the weight I wanted to lose I'd feel differently. Mems was totally channeling Valerie Bertinelli.
I guess we'll see what my self-esteem does as I keep losing weight. I can honestly say I've never been happy or comfortable with my by body. I've bounced from not eating to over-exercising to over-eating. Now I'm trying to get a balance on it. If you've been reading along, you know I'm doing it the healthy way this time.
I'm trying to be healthy and strong. Not focused on being thin and losing weight. Healthy body, healthy brain. That's the goal.
But for now, I'm still surprised when people compliment me, I still don't see a pretty girl in the mirror. I'm an insecure nearly-30 year old and I'm crossing my fingers that maybe, just maybe when I've got my weight under control I'll see the real me. Whoever she is.