I sent an email to one of my oldest guy friends last week- 'Do you think I'm pretty?'
It was a ridiculous, and to me, completely valid question. I was really pissed at myself for actually typing the words out, but I still hit send. I was so hung up on how others viewed me that I validated my own insecurities by seeking someone else's approval.
I started writing this blog to keep myself in check while I tried to take control of my health and weight and I think in my head I thought when I lost the weight I'd magically have self confidence again. Now I'm almost halfway to my goal and my insecurities continue to cripple me in some aspects of life.
Thinking back, my confidence has never been tied to my weight, at my thinnest I was a neurotic basketcase, at my heaviest I was a neurotic bitch who used sarcasm to deflect my lack of confidence. Now, I'm trying to find the real Kate, or at least one I'm more comfortable being.
My guy friend responded to my email with a 'yes, are you stupid?' and the dear that he is to me, urged me to own some confidence in myself, then called me lame and told me to suck it up. So I am.
I'm on a new mission to peel away my self-imposed protective layers of sarcasm and bitterness and bitchiness and find some confidence and vulnerability in myself.
Dear God, I'm a whiny bitch.